Panacea from boredom
by LadyYara
Summary: Edward's darker and Bella's not so simple. Rated M for a good reason.
1. Chapter 1

Another day at school was just like all the previous ones. Dull, boring, extremely so. I was as close to falling asleep as a vampire can be, though it wasn't possible, unfortunately. Classes didn't require my attention at all. If teachers asked me something, i just scanned their thoughts for the right answer. In such letargical condition i simply followed my schedule at school and didn't look around much.

Lunch break usually could bring some relief, as i was sitting and talking to my family. I'd learned the pattern of their thoughts long time ago, and only Alice was stull able to entertain me a little. Those pieces of her visions that i could find in her head were quite amusing. If she had nothing to do, she switched people around her one by one and checked how their future was changing depending on their decisions, even small ones.

That time though she was busy maniacally sorting the possible outcomes of her husband's actions. He was experiencing another phase of desire to human blood, and i could see in his thought how he was savouring all availiable possibilities. How he would aim for the professor's neck, how he would cover the distance to him with one long jump. Alice tenced immediately and glanced at Jasper. He was fighting for self-control desperately, and gradually his thoughts changed to more peaceful tone. I'd sigh for both of them, if i still had that little human habit.

Our family - me and my brothers and sisters - we sitting at the separate table in the school cafeteria. Not that it was a priviledge. Humans were enough instinctive, if not smart, to try to get closer to us. We scared them off with our inhuman nature. Carlisle, who had spent several centuries among them, fully learned how to mimicry - he imitated breathing, simple human gestures, mimics - it was impossible to suspect him. We were all younger and didn't try that much, so we'd been avoided. Some awkward moments were inevitable - accidental touches in corridors that made me clench me jaws tighter and nervously swallow flowing poison.

For Jasper such situations were the hardest, his abstention from human blood was not too long. Alice and Rose did well. Emmett slipped once every ten years, and we moved to another place then. I used to find those cases somewhat entertaining - it was something different at least. I grew tired from changing locations, too, eventually.

I was bored to death. No, even more, I was bored beyond death. Those humans were nothing of interest, their thoughts were the same everywhere and every time. The same short list of needs – sex, money, influence, safety. Sometimes – acceptance. Compassion – rarely. I'd seen all of that so many times before. Depressing.

It'd been a while since I'd seen something just a little bit non-standard in this world. The way our family grew gave me something to think about, to analyze. Every new vampire had brought something additional, something special to our every day existence. I thought that it was easier for each of them to manage our typical vampire melancholy, especially because they had long-time relationships. My presence didn't bring much balance to our life together, as I was the only single one. I, in return, had to watch – and listen – a very intense interaction of those three couples.

Though that day was different in its small way. The thoughts of the most students were spinning around the newcomer, a daughter of the chief of police. Human males were nervously measuring their chances to get close to her, females were quietly fuming about the unwanted increase of their population. I was able to watch the new one from all angles through the thoughts of those around her. That was enough for a verdict – nothing special. I only had to check her head – her thoughts – for any reaction to our kind, and then all the information about her would be forever transferred to my inner archive under label not important.

A direction of thoughts had changed, and I understood, that the latest point of interest – the new one, Swan, had entered the cafeteria and sat at the same table with Jessica.

_Wrong choice of company_, I noted for myself. Her new girlfriend's thoughts were in all the meanings unfriendly. She openly used the interest the new girl inflicted in people and enjoyed bathing her in dirt in her thoughts. If I hadn't known myself better, I'd say that I pitied Isabella Swan. She asked everyone to call her Bella though, and used every right and wrong reason to blush.

"Look, there're Cullens at that table", Jessica was enlightening Bella. Now the gossips will follow. _Yeah, look, that you can do, for anything else you simply don't have a chance. Me neither though… _she thought to herself grimly.

I chuckled lightly. If she had known the truth, she'd have been only glad that she didn't have a chance with me.

"They are strange, not really talking to anyone outside their family. They are very, very close to each other" she said in an ambiguous tone. _And they have one vacant place in the family_, she thought, obviously meaning me. I almost shuddered. Her fantasies were not the pleasant ones. _Well, at least while all boys here are interested in Bella, they are looking at me. Only this idiot doesn't get it._ Her thoughts had changed direction.

_Alas, that is going to be a quick test for Swan,_ I thought_. If she understands that she's being used and kicks off this snake immediately, she can be said as rather smart and observant. And dangerous, as a consequence. If not – that's her problem, she'll be running errands for the worst intrigant around._ It could have been interesting to watch Jessica, if only she hadn't been so self-centered and predictable.

I didn't like how it was going to turn, the situation unfolded too fast for me to watch and be entertained a little. It was developing in a standard way – most of the things about a person could be said depending on who his friends and foes were. And if you added a grade of how attractive that person was to the opposite sex – you had a complete picture of his personality. Voila. Boring.

Most of my humanity was left in the past century, and cynicism filled the empty space. For Carlisle, for a chance to live among humans and feed the shreds of my humanity with their vital energy I had learned to control my blood thirst. Only Alice really knew that I didn't feel much love to humans.

I was the only telepathist in the family, but she saw what future I could create with my decisions. She could be shallow sometimes, but not stupid, that was for sure. She couldn't not notice the whole vector of my decisions, how I tended to play god among mortals, my interest in 'human chess'. But with Alice we had a silent agreement. She doesn't announce that I'm a bit more cynical that Carlisle would like to see me. I in return don't show that Jasper's always very close to a total failure. It was important for Alice to remain in the family, too. She filled empty spaces in her life with us, her Jasper and all kind of shopping. Not the worst scenario, actually. For me it was all kind of analysis of human nature (if I didn't have it myself at least I could watch), and my mind-reading skills helped me a lot with that.

"That one? Edward. _Don't even dream about him, stupid bitch_."

I shook at the mention of my name aloud by Jessica.

"He's gorgeous, but rather strange" she added rolling her eyes.

That was what I needed. I concentrated on her neighbor to know if she also thought me strange. Would someone finally perceive our pale frozen looks as suspicious, and those suspicions would be real? And what really interested me in that moment – did I personally look weirder than the rest of my family?

There came nothing. Absolutely.

Like there was no one with Jessica. I tried one more time. Nothing there, empty space. Bewildered, I turned around to see if Swan had already left – and met the stare of her dark eyes. The new girl blushed furiously and lowered her face. That was strange, she was there, but I couldn't hear her thoughts, even when I tried really hard.

I shifted on my chair nervously trying to get rid of the feeling of an utmost discomfort. I hated being unable to control a situation, and that was exactly what happened. Turning around I could her glance again. She was looking at me all the time, whispering to Jessica not to speak so loud. Deep blush didn't leave her face. In the times of my youth such reaction would have been considered as a very immodest, I almost chuckled to the thought. Suddenly I felt a wave a joy. It finally was something new, and it could be interesting to investigate. At least for some time. I was really going to find out the reasons of this sudden mental muteness.

Jasper realized a change in my mood and looked at me questioningly. "_What does she think about us?_" he asked me in his thoughts perceptively. I waved at him dismissively, knowing that he wouldn't dare to insist on an answer. Besides, I didn't have a clue what she was thinking, really.

_Edward takes a hair from Bella's shoulder in passing so she doesn't even notice. Edward takes from the cafeteria a glass with her fingerprints and saliva samples. _Alice was demonstrating me different alternative pictures from my future with a rather puzzled look. I shrugged without any desire to explain myself. She elbowed me slightly.

_What was that? Playing mad professor from all sudden?_

"Don't cross the line," I hissed through the gritted teeth. "She's just a not so typical mind example. Works alright for my herbarium."

Was Alice satisfied with my answer or not, but she turned her attention back to the future. She always lived at least five minutes ahead of us all.

_You know Edward,_ Jasper sounded rather amused in my head, _you can pretend being grouchy, but I know that at the moment you are elated._

I kept my composure and gave him no reply, but he was right. Finally I had something to occupy my mind – and that was perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N:

Oh, I didn't expect so many story alerts and favs, thank you, really!

Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to SM.

Usually I appeared in the classroom two-three seconds before the bell rang - it wasn't pleasurable to sit in a small room filled with hot-blooded humans. Even after the whole century it still happened to be a problem.

According to the schedule and overheard students' thoughts, Swan was going to have biology with me. I was the only not sharing a desk with anyone, so there was no other place for her to sit. I praised myself silently.

From a distance most of the female students dreamed to be at the same desk with me (or on a desk, or even under), but when they came closer than two meters all their boldness evaporated because of some primal fear. And I was rather grateful to their keen instincts.

Some chaotic rambling in Mike Newton's head following by Bella's image signaled me that she was entering the class room. So it happened. The door opened, and Bella entered slowly, glancing at Mike over her shoulder.

_So, she already has an admirer to walk her to classes. That was fast, _I thought to myself, looking at Newton. _Bad choice again, though. She could do better._

Noticing that she had to sit with me, she blushed furiously, as always.

_Is there anything that doesn't make her blush? Human circulatory system is a funny thing if it inflicts such extreme changes in skin color, from almost white to bright red._

And the next moment it hit me, as if I fell from the ten kilometers high to a stony meadow covered with flowers. Her scent, impossible, deadly, concentrated in its sweetness reached my nostrils.

All my muscles flexed in a sheer desire to cross the room in one jump and dig my teeth into her creamy neck. I closed my eyes trying to distract myself, but the scent was only getting stronger, becoming absolutely unbearable. And she was planning to sit there for the whole hour.

The only thing stopping me from the immediate mass murder was a realization, that I was going to destroy with my own hands – no, teeth – the most interesting puzzle I'd had for the last century.

So I sat gripping the desk tightly – there would be a hole after my fingers for sure – and tried not to breathe. Her magnetic scent was definitely an obstacle to solving the mystery of her mind. At one hand it was making me shiver in hatred and impatience, at the other only made it more complicated and therefore attractive.

The girl had finally noticed my stare, so full of pain and loathing – I didn't have any strength to hide it at that time. She cringed and moved to the opposite side if the desk, as far from me as it was possible. A thick curtain of her dark hair fell over her left shoulder and she hid her face from be behind it.

Her every move was sending a wave of warm air at my direction, making me clench my jaws only tighter. Two powerful desires were fighting inside me – thirst for her sweet blood (if the scent was of such strength, how delicious the taste should be then?) and a craving for a solution to her mind muteness.

Swan was peeking at me from time to time, and for a fraction of a second I found myself thinking that her glance was rather evaluating, intense and very strange. Though her expression immediately turned to more sad and anxious one, following by according changes in her scent.

I could tell a lot about her even without looking, just by the way her heart was beating and the trace of hormones in her blood. If her behavior demonstrated some fear, her scent showed me nothing of that, and that was, again, strange.

I could easily imagine the expression of her brown eyes, the tenderness of her skin at my sharp teeth, the excitement of the first bite and first drops of the hot sweet drink on the tip of my tongue… Those thoughts of mine were driving me crazy, and I was mad at myself for losing my precious self control. I spent the whole hour in this internal fight, the longest hour of my existence.

I jumped from my seat and flew from the class with the bell, or even couple of seconds earlier. Who cares.

I ran to my car without stopping, locked myself in it and only then let myself inhale. I was shaking from the stress and adrenalin. With a trembling hand I pushed the button on a stereo, but didn't measure the pressure correctly and pressed it for two centimeters inside, crashing the panel.

_Shit, I'll have to replace it._

Thoughts were racing inside my head with a vampire speed. I had to find out what exactly in Bella was blocking my mind reading abilities and to eliminate that danger for good.

It was so tempting to kill two birds with one stone. Much more than once it had thought that it was easier to kill her, drain her dry, and that would solve the problem automatically. But somewhere deep inside, where usually humans' souls happened to be, I knew that unsolved mystery was going to torture me till the end of eternity. It was like being hopelessly stuck in a chess match, or composing a melody and not being able to complete it, ever. I simply couldn't leave it. So, I had to reduce the effect her scent had on me, or at least take it gradually, letting me have some time to think.

After spending some quality time in my car I finally decided to act. When I came back to school, I tried to persuade the secretary into changing my schedule, so I didn't have to face Bella every time at Biology. And then her painfully delicious scent caught me again.

She was standing behind me, and through the thoughts of the secretary I could see how wide her eyes were open in bewilderment. She must had heard our conversation and added two and two in her head.

Unable to bear the pain in my muscles and burning in my throat I bid farewell hastily and almost ran from school. I needed more time to plan my actions and gather information.

"Hey, what happened?" Alice came to the parking before others. She was showing me different pictures of Bella's death, all caused by me:

_Bella's corpse in the bathroom_. _A__stain__of__blood__in__the__closet__. __A__fresh__grave__in__the__forest__. __A__dissection__in a__laboratory__. _

_What the hell was the last one? _She didn't expect that even from me.

"What else do we have on menu today?" I asked her and winced at my own choice of words. "Are there any other options?"

Alice raised an eyebrow bemused. I never asked her for advice before.

_That's all for now. Well, you can also go somewhere for a week, have some rest, and I'll keep an eye on events. If nothing works you can try and swear on Bible that you won't do it no matter what,_ she showed her white teeth in a humorless grin.

I nodded in agreement. Alice in her turn demonstrated me another scene – a talk to Carlisle. I cringed and inhaled through teeth audibly. That moment was going to be really unpleasant, and Alice knew that well.

She was savoring the variants – _disgusted Carlisle boycotts me for ten years. Carlisle makes me rewrite Flowers for Algernon in handwriting at least hundred times._

Damn that prude and his clear kill count. But he was the only one with whom I actually could talk at least a little. After those fifteen years in Europe alone I was ready to play serenades on piano every evening for him, if only he let me stay in the family.

I turned to Alice with a grim expression.

"You're not telling anyone." _And I'll have to pay for it._

She shown me a smile in return.

_I knew you'll find some love in your heart for me! And for poor Jasper of course,_ she winked to me. I growled at her in reply.

_What__a__blackmailer__. __And__that__'__s__my__sister__! _I shook my head in mock disbelief. Alice kept grinning as a Cheshire cat, but that smile never reached her eyes.

"I might not be Jazz," Emmett started when the others got into the car.

"You've never been more right" Alice eyed him up and down.

"But I can feel the _love_ from you two even worse than usual. What's wrong?" he didn't let the interruption stop his speech.

"Is it about the new one?" Rosalie asked absentmindedly, playing with a strand of her hair. _She was not even pretty._ Rose of course measured everything by her own standards.

"We'll talk at home" I replied sternly and sped out of the parking.


	3. Chapter 3

As we were getting closer to home, I started hearing some measured humming of my parents' thoughts. Carlisle didn't go to work that day, he was sitting in his study, wrapped in some business related correspondence on email. There was a case bothering him for more than a week, something about conductivity in middle ear. I wasn't interested in the details much, too ordinary for my likings.

_How're you doing in school, got any good grades?_ Esme joked mentally in response to the noise of our approaching car. I'd roll my eyes if she could see me. Alice and Jasper got out of the car and rushed to their room, same for the other couple, but different direction.

_Oh god, they're like rabbits on Viagra_, I tried to block their thoughts as hard as I only could. Well, at least they won't interrupt my talk to father.

"Carlisle, I need to talk to you," I said quietly standing at the massive door to his study. I knew he'd heard me.

"Hmm, Edward? A bit later, perhaps? My patient just came to the chat, it's the case I've told you about. I'd even like you to take a look…" There was a splash of pictures in his head, X-rays and chemical compositions.

"No, now. I've got a problem." I clenched my hands in fists to prevent shaking.

Carlisle coughed thoughtfully (odd habit from human days) and gave a mental agreement. I entered the room, he closed his laptop swiftly and looked at me questioningly. My nervous state was rather obvious.

_What__ happened__?_ He thought, not willing to color his voice with confusion he felt.

"Problems with resistance," I gave a humorless chuckle. "I can't stand the smell of blood".

_Well, you're not alone in that_, Carlisle shook his head.

"If I say I cannot, I mean I cannot at all," I replied with pressure. "A scent of one person in particular is simply calling my name. Including my second name, too."

_Hell, I d__o know what you mean, Ed. I feel this way about almost everyone in school though. _A desire to roll eyes at Jasper's words was strong.

Seemed like Carlisle understood me finally.

_Is it someone new?_

-Yes, the chief of police's daughter.

He nodded in apprehension.

"How bad is it?" he asked me aloud. Now it was the family business, and the whole house was listening to us.

"Maximum that I could was not to attack her right there. I was barely able to sit till the end of the class. The thirst of my first years as a vampire was nothing compared to that."

Carlisle eyed me thoroughly, taking into consideration my painfully shut jaws and shaking hands.

_He looks even worse than Jazz in PE. Sorry, son, it just slipped_, he recollected immediately.

I dismissed his apology with a shrug.

"There's more." My pride protested desperately, but I had to say that. "I can't hear her thoughts."

There was a mental sigh of shock from all over the house.

_Ah, that was the matter_, Jasper crooned in astonishment. I was surprised he was able to form a coherent sentence, knowing what he was doing at the moment.

_And I thought you had something neurological_, joked Alice.

_Yeah, sure, but I don't have fucking nerves anymore. I'm dead!_ I thought to myself furiously, and the whole idea had never been more annoying.

I had to change the direction of the discussion. Nobody dared to question my skills. And one exception from the universal rule didn't mean anything – shouldn't mean anything to them.

"Father, I'd like to ask. Have you ever had such cases in your practice?"

"You know, Edward, since I'm not telepathic myself, it's very hard for me to judge if a person is readable. But," he raised his hand asking me to let him finish "I've met a few vampires, whose abilities were somehow similar to yours."

Carlisle became silent, going deep into very old memories that were flying with a lightning speed in his head.

_A pale woman's face is lit with a cruel smile, another face twisted with fear and pain is reflected in her blank eyes. A vampire is holding a man's hand tightly, he is weeping and twisting, trying to tear himself away. Focus is broadening, it's a dungeon. There're humans in irons attached to walls, dozens of humans. They are so terrified they're unable to make a sound. Carlisle__ looks around and leaves the room in disgust._

_A tall vampire with a paper thin skin and a motionless face lifts his hand to reach Carlisle, he moves away in a fluid motion._

_What's wrong, my dear?_

_Caught Jane entertaining herself._

_She doesn't do it for fun, precious, her research is important._

_Oh, really._

_She does the same work you do; she just has a different approach._

_Yes__, Aro, she approaches from inside. Carlisle shows his teeth in a mocking smile._

_You can say so. The reply shows no hint of humor._

_Aro. His name was Aro._ I caught Carlisle's glimpse to the picture on the wall that only confirmed my suspicion. It was the same vampire from that picture, my father's old friend.

_Yes, Edward, that was him_, Carlisle thought. _And he was right about me in some perverse way, or it turned to be right after some time. I really went into scientific research, as you know, but with different goals, using different methods. Humans do their studies on apes to learn themselves better. Vampires do the same with humans, for the same reason. Should I tell you my attitude towards humanity is different?_

Carlisle shivered in disgust.

_And s__hould I tell you that after all I've seen, I'm not fond of neurosurgery?_ That was a weak attempt at making a joke, but I had to do him justice – he tried to lighten my oppressive mood.

If he could only know that I had much more in common with his long abandoned Italian friends, than he did. That it was not his past that made me look so annoyed, but my own intentions. Wasn't that exactly what Alice had seen?

"They were looking for something at those times already" I said quietly, so only Carlisle could hear.

_Yes, always. Deviations, exceptions from the rules. Any hints to the origins of vampire abilities. And that's actually very__ good they don't know about this human girl. No one escapes them, when they are concerned. _

"It doesn't make my situation easier at all. Like her scent isn't torturous enough for me – it feels like Esme's flowerbed got cactuses in it, and it's stuck in my lungs! – and furthermore, I don't know what to expect from her and how to avoid her. It's a deadly combination. Deadly for her." I looked at Carlisle sternly to check if he fully understood the danger.

_What did Alice say?_

"Our local Madame Lenormand advised me to take a week of a vacation, and it will get better when I return."

_Exactly my words_, Alice giggled between sighs, moans and chanting Jasper's name. I only clenched my jaws tighter.

"I don't want it to turn that way," I looked at Carlisle "but the truth is that her blood is the most desirable thing to me, ever. Well, almost." I added ambiguously.

Of course Carlisle heard my words the way he pleased. His smile was dazzling.

"You have no idea how happy I am. There's nothing more important than a human life, and I'm glad you understand it. You're truly a son of mine, and never doubt yourself anymore. Of course Esme is going to be upset about your departure, but it really might be better this way."

He took the keys from his Mercedes out of his pocket and gave me. Showing me the superiority of his car over mine again.

"Especially if Alice advices this way."

Alice snorted in my head.

Well, he shouldn't have praised her aloud, no surprise she was proud of herself so much.

"The tank's full_._"_ Don't forget to bid farewell to your mother,_ he added mentally. Like I ever did.

Carlisle opened his laptop and came back to the last case. I nodded to him and went for my filial duty.

Esme couldn't miss our dialog. She was waiting for me at the first floor with a sad expression of her face.

"Do you really have to leave? Is there any other option?" She asked hugging me gently.

_Nope__,_ Alice sounded musically in my head. _And this option itself is rather doubtful._

_Why making so much noise I wonder. He's going to slip, so what? __It happens to everyone._ Emmett was extremely straightforward in his thoughts. Good thing he wasn't stupid enough to say it aloud to the older vampire. Otherwise I'd be very sorry for Rose to have such a mate.

"Yes, mother, I'd be better for me to stay away from Forks for a week. You know that I'll come back." My voice was filled with confidence. She sighed. One more human habit that was totally useless for a vampire.

_Let's just hope it won't turn to another ten years of rebellion_, she thought sadly. I shook my head negatively trying to assure her.

_Damn_, Carlisle cursed mentally when his patient left the chat at the most interesting place. _Hippocrates's lucky to be dead already, otherwise I'd…_ I closed my mind from everyone, tired from their non-stop chatter.

I went to my room briefly to pack a bag. It surprised me how different everything looked to me. Only twelve hours ago I was bored beyond death and couldn't look around without hate. Now I felt excitement and was full of plans. Every single thing in my room looked like it belonged to some stranger, definitely not to a person who I was at that moment. I took a second to open my mind and listen to my family before I leave.

Jasper was re-reading War and Peace and having fun sending to Esme waves of all emotions the characters of that book were having. Emmett and Rosalie were enjoying a sweet family fight in the garage – Rose had found some music CDs in his Jeep, and now she was accusing him in the lack of taste. According to Alice's predictions (and a very clear picture of her and Bella laughing together flashed in her head for a second between other stuff) Emmett was in danger of abstinence for a week, which in his case was almost lethal.

That was the family I was going to miss the following week. _Well, almost_.

**A/N:**

Please review! I have so many alerts and no reviews, I simply don't know what you think about this story… I'm anxious.


	4. Chapter 4

I came back to my room for a minute, thinking what I was going to need on my trip. It felt awful just to be there. The whole environment was so annoying. All me belongings were on their usual places, everything the same. I wasn't the same. I was longing for some action, and that routine was pressuring on me, as if trying to make me remain unchanged.

I put my laptop and couple of external hard discs into my backpack and went to the kitchen. I grabbed a few packs of what seemed to be pomegranate juice. A snack, just in case.

"So you're leaving after all?" Emmett asked from the common room. He stopped playing Xbox and was staying in the kitchen watching me pack the food.

"I don't get it really. Well, nobody wants to kill humans, but you really shouldn't torture yourself this way. Even if you slipped – it happens… So you could simply enjoy the process." His tone changed from sympathetic to mocking. "And after you drank her dry you could dry up the remains, pound it to powder and sniff it on big occasions. She'd last longer that way."

I thought of jumping on him and crashing the table with his stupid head, just to teach him some respect to elders. Esme was passing by and I stopped myself, not wanting to destroy her kitchen again. I made a face full of sincere suffering instead, knowing she would punish him in a more devious way than I ever could. Oh my kind mother and her compassion that made her so easy to play. I felt kind of uneasy about Emmett's idea though.

When I was done with bidding farewells I jumped in my car and drove away as fast as I could. No matter what Carlisle said, I still preferred my Volvo to his Mercedes and had left his keys on the kitchen table.

I drove without thinking of a direction. I got everything I needed that moment – my laptop, my credit card and a snack. I came back to thinking only when I left the town and was close to Bella's house. Of course I'd got her address at the first place. Medical records I left for a dessert.

Carlisle's memories were bothering me; I wasn't prepared for such turn of events. And the future Alice had seen, those alternatives supplemented them in a too perfect way. Was I ready to kill – not because of blood thirst, but because of my curiosity and boredom?

_Blood thirst is an attribute of a vampire, it's his essence. Monster is allowed to do anything. And what about a human? Curiosity is purely human quality, and a human is able to control himself. Has to control himself._

I got a shocking epiphany _– if I cross this invisible line and kill not for hunger, not for self-defense, I would become something even worse than a vampire._

That thought brought me unexpected relief. I was at the top of the food pyramid, but still not at the bottom of the list of sinners. There were creatures worse than me, even humans.

I stood covered in the darkness of the trees and watched Bella's house. Yes, even at such distance her scent was winding around me like a silk ribbon. Her presence was still shocking, but at least not as lethal as the first time I'd seen her.

If I was going to be away from her for a week, it would be very hard for her to survive when I came back and contact with her. And a contact was inevitable if I wanted to solve her mystery. And I truly wanted.

I had to take something from her house, something that carried her scent. I winced mentally imagining how Emmett would have commented that. It should have been something innocent then, and very unnoticeable. A book, or a small accessory. I was not a pervert. And even if I was, it was different.

_And I shouldn't enter her room. First time I'd seen her I'd been able to stop myself only because there were witnesses. To see her alone, sleeping in a dark room, bathing in her rich scent – it would destroy my self control._

It was dark already, but there was light in the house. Bella's father was reading at the first floor, and the sounds of basketball game on TV didn't bother him. I never thought a chief of police as a book person.

Bella was upstairs in her room. I could hear her footsteps, quiet noises of things moving around the room, rustling of paper – she was writing something. I was listening to her heartbeat, and the sound was very soothing, it made everything around more realistic.

I crouched at the tree and concentrated on the forest behind me. The darkness, trees croaking, quiet liquid moves of animals. They were in their element. I belonged to them much more than to the human world that laid in front of me, separated from me only by the road. But I was longing for humanity.

_How is it_, I wondered, _to be such a human?_ _How is it, to live, to wake up every day, to go to school, to be normal – and at the same time to be a mystery to someone. To someone who is staying under your window, listening for your heartbeat._

It was so good that she didn't have a clue about anything. It was good that she would never know of Aro and Volturi's existence, she'd never meet Jane. Her only bad luck was that she had met me, that she was in the same town with me, on the same planet.

_I'll let her live_, I thought, and suddenly it felt like a stone fell from my heart. _I don't know how I'm going to endure her presence and the influence her scent has on me… but that part of me that is still human doesn't want to kill her. No dissections of frogs in a laboratory._

The light in the house was switched off in an hour. I went around the yard thinking how I could get into the house. I took a look at Bella's truck and realized that perhaps there was no need in going inside her house.

I looked into the window of the truck – the door wasn't locked. It was quite clean inside, if not take into consideration an empty soda can, a book – ah, Bronte fan – and something bright was under the seat, like it had fallen there and forgotten.

I pulled at the corner of a thin fabric and dragged out a small blue silk scarf, too thin for the Forks damp weather. We didn't even have sun here, not talking about warm days to wear such a thing. She wasn't going to miss it; there would be no occasion for her to remember about it.

I brought the scarf close to my face and inhaled deeply, immediately getting a dose of sharp thorns down my throat – and Bella's intoxicating scent. Her pale face popped up in front of my eyes. I shivered involuntarily.

_Just what I need__ed. I always knew I'm a masochist_, I thought with a sad smirk and tied the scarf around my neck, putting in under the shirt on my skin. It looked almost stylish, Alice would have

approved.

I felt so lighthearted when I came back to the car and drove away from the town. It was still an open question where I was heading to. There was nothing for me to do in Alaska – I'd known their library by heart, there was no one interesting enough to talk to in the coven. Not even mentioning that obsessed Tanya. I winced in disgust. Even a flatworm would have been more interesting.

The libraries that could interest me at the moment were too far away. I wasn't in the mood of flying to Cairo or Dublin, though if I really needed that – I would have done it without delay. I simply had to reasons to think that there was more information on the topic than for example in the Library of Congress.

It came to my mind that Volturi could have the information I needed. Those people chained to walls that I'd seen in Carlisle's memory were burned into my mind for eternity. I imagined that Bella could be one of them in that dungeon, and instead of the vampire examining her there could be me.

I had to grip the steering wheel tightly, almost breaking it, to stop a sudden wave of nausea. How sensitive I happened to be when it came to practice. I was glad and afraid of it at the same time; I didn't expect such reactions from myself, so close to human ones they were.

_I__ would never go to Volturi,_ I thought. The ways of getting information did matter to me after all. I had to find another way of finding out.

I decided I didn't need much. Any five star hotels close to a national park would do. _A quiet place, a clean shirt and internet access – that's it, I really don't need much. _All resent researches were published on the net at the first place. I checked what place was the closest and found the right number in the contact list of my phone. In a few minutes I was already driving to the place where I planned to spend the next ten days.

I was at the hotel early in the morning, when the sun was only getting up. There was no one at the parking place, so I parked my car myself and went through the main entrance.

A young and very sleepy receptionist jumped up when I entered the hall. I motioned her to remain seated. Not everyone could be as full of energy as I was at 5 am.

"Reservation for Cullen" I told her.

"Yes, of course, sir". She gave me the keys immediately. _Handsome. And rich_, her gaze at my back was evaluating.

_Oh please_. I got ready to close my big mental ears expecting a flow of fantasies, or even worse – suggestions spoken aloud. She never looked lower than my waistline though.

_I wonder if his personality matches his looks. I can't imagine a man who wouldn't be spoiled by such favorable circumstances. So I guess the only __safe thing to do here is to look, from a significant distance._

It was so unexpected that I almost turned around to look at the person who was capable of such thoughts, but she already changed the subject. Her head was full of images of her best friend living next door, and I could feel the way she was smiling when she thought about him.

I was still slightly shocked when I went for my apartments. My cynicism just received a heavy slap. Never before I'd thought that my judgments of humans might have been biased. There were still good people around.

My rooms were next to the conference-hall that had also been reserved for me – it had a printer that I needed. I checked the rooms. There was everything I had requested over phone – a grand piano, a good stereo. The one I had at home was better, but this would also do. I connected my laptop to the stereo and loaded a playlist with some classic music that usually helped my concentration. Sounds of Handel filled the room. I chuckled at the inside joke – 'Messiah' was a nice background music for me playing god.

What a pity that our kind was so disorganized. Carlisle's family was relatively small according to human standards, and it was one of the biggest among vampires. A typical vampire wasn't interested in relationships, connections, trusting anyone. Excitement of a hunt, taste of blood – that was all one could ask for. Right.

As for me, keeping the last shreds of humanity was worth abstinence from human blood. It helped me remain interested in _existing_. Or at least I thought so.

Vampires were hundred percent sociopaths with a very few exceptions. I would have welcomed an idea of a forum or a club for our kind where I could have discussed my concerns or something like that. In reality we were so different from what humans usually fantasized about us. No old-fashioned lace, pop-up fangs or coffins. Reality was so prosaic.

I was sending maps of human brain to printer one after another. _Which division is responsible for thoughts' ability to be read by a vampire?_ I highly doubted the answer could be found in an anatomy textbook.

All the walls of the conference-hall were covered with print-outs, papers with my comments were all over the floor. What could I find according to traditional science, without knowing Bella's specifics? Her specifics were to be studied closely, and I didn't have enough self-control for that yet. I lifted the corner of her silk scarf to my face absent-mindedly. Even after several days of doing that every minute it still hurt. I put the silky cloth back behind my collar.

All the fourth day I spent playing on that grand piano. It was a bit untuned, but it worked fine with my current state of mind. I just sat there, letting both my fingers and my thoughts fly as they wished. It was closest to sleep that I could ever get.

I didn't touch my laptop or work materials on the fifth day. I laid on the floor in my room listening to music, my face covered with the scarf. Perhaps that was similar to the way yogi laid on nails and enjoyed nirvana. My lungs were being grilled, but I felt myself utterly peaceful. I was coming back to Forks soon, and I would be rewarded for my patience. I would be able to embrace the mystery with my own hands. No pun intended.

On the sixth day my phone rang. Alice.

"What's the verdict, o beloved sister o mine?" I asked her without greeting. I was exhausted from my futile search. It looked like nobody on earth was interested in brain powers besides me (and Volturi).

"Oh my bloodthirsty brother, come back home," she replied in the same mocking tone. "Nothing really clarified while you were hiding out. Quite the contrary. Everything's foggy. I have no idea what you have decided… Perhaps scout's honor worked its magic? The future around you changes so fast, there's practically no sense in hiding."

She sounded optimistic.

"Alright, that was about me. And what about Bella?" I tried questioning from the other side. There should be a hint or something.

"Just the same. I've seen some permanent moments, but it's not related to you in any way."

I wanted her to specify but decided better not. Not related was also okay.

"See you at home, Edward."

"Ciao, Alice."


	5. Chapter 5

I was much calmer when I came back to Forks. Finally I had a goal, and I was going to reach it, methodically and consistently. And of course enjoy every moment of it.

My family didn't let me go back to school that easily. I was cross-examined meticulously about my intentions and my self-control. I was fed till the point that blood was almost pouring from my ears. What really annoyed me was Alice's mental giggling as a permanent background noise.

Did that woman have any principles at all?

All my thoughts were flying around the upcoming Biology. I was as ready for another encounter with Bella's scent as I only could, but it hit me again, making me helplessly cling to the wall behind me. As if it could help me. The most important thing at that moment was not to break the wall with my back or it would have been very hard to explain to people around me. Funny how I was almost able to enjoy her rich scent. Well, almost.

When Bella entered the class, her eyes immediately focused on the desk where I was seating. Well, that was her desk, too. When she saw me her breathing sped, pupils dilated. Those were usual signs of fear, but I couldn't smell fear in her scent.

_Perhaps some of her instincts aren't working properly, just like her CNS? She should fear me. Others do. Well, not every disability can be said from looks. I__ wonder what gene is responsible for that…_

I started considering combinations of genes to distract myself from the approaching source of the most magnetic scent on earth. I lifted my hand to my throat absent-mindedly; I had had a silky scarf there all the last week, and touching it had become quite a habit.

Bella looked at me intently, seriously. She looked in my eyes, examined my ghost-pale face, glimpsed at my neck and hands – all of that took her less than a second. I felt myself uncomfortable like at proctologist's check. Not that I had such experience, but I could read the thoughts of those who had.

When I was going to return her gaze she turned away and dropped her head blushing furiously. And even more, she hid behind a thick wall of her dark hair and couldn't see her face anymore.

_Great__. The beginning of a beautiful friendship._

I had to talk to her to lay the foundation of the further hmm communication.

"Hi, I'm Edward Cullen" I forced myself to speak using as little air as I could. It was less painful when I didn't breathe.

Bella turned to me sharply, her heart made some frantic jumps. She obviously didn't expect me to talk to her. _One brownie point less for you Bella, for being non-observant._

"I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last time," I spoke politely._ Yeah, no chance at all._

"Bella. Bella Swan." She dropped finally after several excruciatingly long seconds of staring at me.

Blood rushed to her face, pulsed in the blue vein at her neck. I had to stop thinking about that. It was her fortune that she felt so uneasy and sat at the corner of her chair awkwardly. She might have remembered hate and pain twisted on my face last time she had seen me.

_I think I'll have to explain that situation to her somehow, if I really mean to talk to her one day. But for the first time I've said enough. Right? I can't be worse at this than those crazy from hormones animals also called teenagers? Or can I? I guess I should listen to their conversations more often, not only to their thoughts. _

Bella concentrated on the teacher, who was explaining the following lab to everyone in the class. He went through the desks and gave the boxes with preparations for study.

_Phases of mitosis. What are we, twelve?_ I moved the microscope closer to Bella.

"Ladies first?" my voice was slightly colored with irony. I guessed I sounded anachronistic, because Bella shot a sharp glance at me. She shrugged thoughtfully and took the microscope.

"Prophase" she said after one second of examining the slide. _Oh really?_

"May I?" I asked, though my hand was faster than my words and I touched her fingers accidentally. Damn, it was almost as bad as smelling her. We both jumped from the electric sensation. I hoped she hadn't noticed the deadly coldness of my hand.

I took the microscope and looked into the eyepiece, trying to distract her. _Hmm._

"Prophase, right." The corner of her mouth twitched strangely when I said that. She avoided looking at me.

I changed the slide. I could tell it was anaphase even without using the microscope, but I had to pretend looking just for appearance's sake. I did, for the whole two seconds.

"Anaphase," I wrote the answer on the lab sheet not waiting for her reply. Bella raised her eyebrow while looking at that.

"May I check?" she asked. I couldn't help but smirk. _She really thinks I can be mistaken?_

"Help yourself," I let her try.

She agreed with my words after one second of looking at the slide. Seemed like we were playing the 'who's faster' game, and what really surprised me that we did equally well. That simply couldn't be, taking into consideration that I'd been in medical college twice.

She let me have my answer written without her checking only at the last slide.

_Oh, she trusts me finally,_ I thought sarcastically.

We had our sprint completed in a few minutes literally, when the rest of students were only going through notes in panic, looking for some hints to begin with.

The teacher approached our table, noticing that we were sitting idly and looking at the opposite directions.

"You shouldn't have done everything by yourself, Cullen. Miss Swan should have tried it too," he said with a reproachful voice. _What an arrogant know-all_, he thought angrily.

"She did most of the lab," I shrugged his accusation away.

Mr. Banner looked at Bella thoughtfully with a little smile that annoyed me quite a lot.

"It's very good then that you and Edward are lab partners. You don't distract others from study this way," last phrase he added much quieter. Bella winced a little.

"Well, the thing is that I've done this lab before," she said sheepishly and blushed.

_Oh, it's self-explanatory then,_ I thought with a relief.

"With another preparation I guess?" Mr. Banner tried to let her retreat, but Bella didn't understand that.

"No, with this one, onion root. I just didn't recall at the beginning." She looked at the teacher with such naïve wide-opened eyes that I wanted to slap my face with a mocking horror.

_Oh, what a pity_, Mr. Banner thought, carefully trying to hide his disappointment.

_Indeed,_ I thought. He sighed and came back to his desk. Bella tilted her head quickly and hid behind the curtain of her hair, but I noticed a shadow of a smile on her lips.

There was lots of time till the end of the class; my throat was aching mercilessly. I had to find something to distract myself from total massacre of all living, starting with Bella. Let's not forget she's a living human being. Yet. What were the appropriate topics for a small talk in times of my youth?

"That's a pity about the snow, right?" I made an attempt.

"Wouldn't say so. You're interested in precipitation?" she asked with a shade of surprise in her voice.

Not at all actually, but… "Well, yes".

"Hate it", she winced.

"You've chosen a wrong place to live then." _Would I ever expect anything else from her?_

"It's not like I chose Forks. It's hard to explain." _She really thinks I'm unable to understand? Ha!_

"You should try." I couldn't resist smiling smugly.

"Ok, to keep it short – my mom got remarried. He's a sportsman and travels a lot. I'm a baggage. I chose to live with Charlie, my dad."

"Short and simple," I nodded. "I just don't get why." I asked her. I was really puzzled. That was a strange masochism, I knew from experience.

"What – why? I want her to be happy." I looked at her intently searching for signs of self-pity on her face and in her voice, but found none. Her stare was as hard as steel.

"Right, but you are unhappy now." _Not telling that it simply sucks. Your karma hates you._

"Ah, no. It's all right. Well, almost." She looked at me firmly and made a light chuckle. I couldn't not smile back at her usage of my favorite word.

Bella went back to drawing something meaningless across her notebook with her head tilted and hair drawn over her shoulder. Her breathing was even, no shadow of fear in her scent. That was quite unusual itself; people were unable to spend five minutes at the same desk with me, even if they wanted it badly (meaning Jessica. And Loren. And the whole female half of students.)

I peeked at her notebook and found it all covered by her drawings – hearts, flowers and other silly girlish things of that kind. I almost laughed at that moment. For the second time of the day she ruined my impression of her as of a smart person. She was unable to produce any readable thought, or feel fear when it was logical. And she didn't have any talent in drawing either.

Those things must be related, really. Mental muteness, no instinct of self-preservation. She's not okay in general, no surprise here. It's time to check her medical records.

From her records my thoughts turned to the hospital, Carlisle, surgeries, blood… It wasn't far from the bell, but my patience was rather weak from talking to her. I flexed the muscles of my throat and stopped the air coming to my lungs. It felt a bit better, but not much. Minutes were running slower than ever, and the shrill sound of the bell had never been nicer. I bolted from my seat, grabbed my books and backpack and ran out of the class.

Alice was already waiting for me at the corridor.

"Oh, shut up, you," I barked at her seeing the expression of her face. She found the situation _entertaining_.

_Oh but nobody died, right?_ She sang in her thoughts merrily.

"Don't be so sure," I hissed at her angrily. She only laughed in reply and elbowed me on the ribs painfully.

_We don't count, Edward._

I turned away from her and went to the exit, when an image in her thoughts drew my attention:

_Bella ripped a list of paper from her notebook angrily, she had been drawing the whole hour on that, and threw __it to the trash bin but missed._

I slowed my pace and started thinking what could make her suddenly so angry. I turned back to the class to pick that misfortunate peace of paper, but I never had a chance to complete that.

I got paralyzed half-way by Alice's mental scream of horror. I went for her thoughts:

_Bella's standing on the parking with pale frightened face. She sees a car losing control and rushing into her._


End file.
